NLD and Goosebumps

Sometimes a visual image is too heavy for me, like bedsores and other skin diseases. I think NLD has something to do with the goosebumps I get when I see something I think is gross. Also, things that move around really fast are overwhelming. I used to have rodents for pets, but now I can’t look carefully at most of the rodents in a pet store or humane society, especially guinea pigs. I can’t even look at a guinea pig’s picture without freaking out. I used to have two for pets, but I slowly became almost-phobic as I got older. I hope that parents and other adults who help those with NLD won’t make fun of the anxiety that we with NLD sometimes have. The sources will vary, but it’s best to accept them. Some will be grown out of, and others will develop.

Holidays and NLD

I find the holidays very stressful, as I’d rather be home alone or just with my own family. Unfortunately we have late nights at relatives’ homes. I’m allergic to dusty indoor spaces, can’t stay up too late, and find conversation excruciating. I also feel lonesome for friends I don’t see often, and wish there were more relatives I looked forward to visiting, but I dread most of the visits. I also like to talk myself through things to calm myself, and can’t do this around people. I love alone time, but holidays are supposed to jam people together, and it feels like standing in a crowd for several days. It’s something I experience as overstimulating.

NLD is a neurological condition

I was reading this blog and saw some general resemblances to the NLD symptoms that I often struggle with. Mine are different than this blogger’s (http://rivflections.blogspot.com/), who appears to have another medical condition related to seizures, but I still feel some of these things:
-Balance difficulties, esp. in the morning
-Visual aphasia
-Dispraxia and choppy language
-Frozen face
And more difficulties I’ll get to later.

NLD and Ear Plugs

I just got a pair of ear plugs, shaped like EarPlanes. I love how they reduce noise by 27 decibels, as I find the world easier to take in when I’m not overwhelmed by noise. I also hope to protect my hearing long-term, as I would be even more confused/lost without good hearing.

Food Issues Solved, for me

I went to see an allergist (finally–my dad is very allergic to most things) earlier this week. I am not allergic to common food allergens, but it’s very likely, and I’d say almost certain from my symptoms, that I have lactose intolerance. This is almost a relief, and I am near lots of stores that carry lactose-free products. The thought of taking a milk test makes me feel sick, as I’ve had this condition, but not fully known, for many years. I have no idea if people with spectrum issues are more likely to have digestive complications, but it strikes me as a possibility. I was diagnosed with outdoor and indoor allergies during a very itchy skin test. I had to restrain myself from scratching. I have a low tolerance for pain. I bought new pillows and encasings to cope with the dust allergies and am now taking small doses of zyrtec. I’m going to try generic soon because it’s much cheaper. I explained to the doctor that I have NLD, and it seemed to go well. I said it causes me to look nervous and have some difficulty with communication. Disclosure is a big step, but worth it.

Unhelpful disability resources

My state’s vocational rehabilitation department is full of it.  It’s clear that they were founded to only address very limited attributes of disabilities–namely physical mobility ones, and not the other problems that people get discriminated for having.  I get treated differently due to NLD more often than I care to realize, yet there’s very little understanding of the challenges NLD creates in my life.  I just met with a state vocational counselor who was completely uninsightful.  It outrages me that the state funds this incompetent work, that someone with a high school education could do.  The agency’s location took me an hour and fifteen minutes to reach on two buses.  The counselor had no sympathetic words for my transportation struggles and didn’t even talk about this issue with me, even though it is a functional limitation and special need.  I was asked if I have trouble dressing or need help from a personal attendant.  I felt like saying if this was the case, would I be here by myself, but was trying to be civil.  I was told that our state’s vocational rehab waiting list has about 5,000 people on it.  I’m not sure why the appointment couldn’t have been done on the phone.  I’m back to the drawing board with my job search.  I’ll have to see what my therapist says about whether or not we should continue to work with the rehab program.

The funeral

I did go to the funeral, even though it was really hard, even though I debated with myself about whether to attend.  It went OK.  It was very typical for a funeral, and seeing the old office crowd is something I have mixed feelings about.  Then I spent the days after in bed with a cold, which I have only recently gotten better from.  Due to the cold, I slept a lot and also obsessed about things people said at the funeral, which were really everyday comments, but NLD confuses things.  I have since been in email contact with some of my old work friends, just casually chatting.  It doesn’t feel that great, but I think I’ll never have real friendships with them.  We met at work.  They’re saying I should stop by the office sometime.  Yet what would I do there?  I want to be done with my math class first and know what my grade is, which won’t be until near the holidays.  At that point my brother will move home from college.  He generally refuses to drive me places and eats the food I buy with my own money, plus doesn’t clean up after himself.  I hope I’ll be able to move out before I go crazy, but I’m in a rough spot.  I’m unemployed and have no income beyond a volunteer stipend.  This isn’t enough to cover living costs.  I want to live alone because I feel the most comfortable, but without a job this goal is delayed.

Never knowing how to deal with social situations

A friend’s close relative just passed away, and I read the notice in the newspaper. I’m debating whether or not to attend the service tomorrow. We both know people who I was once in conflict with. Since then I’ve done everything I could to amend these conflicts, but it’s very awkward. This friend has taken the time to hang out with me in the meantime, but recently we’ve been out of touch. I would like to go and express my respect for the process she is experiencing, but I don’t want to exchange friction with the conflict people. I counter with the fact that it’s been a long time and I tried my best to make up. I wish one of my friends could help me translate this social situation, but I don’t have anyone except my therapist, who I can’t talk to every time once of these awkward times faces me. My gut is I’ll be welcome at the service, but I’d like inner confirmation. NLD interferes with following my heart sometimes. It’s a big challenge to constantly deal with.

NLD and the struggle to reach out

Just wanted to share another anecdote about my former grad department.  A few weeks ago, I got the courage to send an email expressing interest in talking about NLD.  He never responded.  For awhile I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but now I’m a bit angry, and my therapist says the failure to respond is “pathetic.”

Always a little frustrating to put effort into something–particularly helping others–and not even have that effort recognized.  I’ll give him some benefit of the doubt–maybe he’s bad at emailing (even though he told us all to email him), maybe he forgot to write back, maybe since we never met face-to-face he’s not sure, and other reasons beyond my current imagination.  Still, I very firmly feel that faculty should take interest in students’ social and scholarly development.  I did something unnatural for me–reaching out, and it did not work.  I’m not discouraged, just disappointed.  NLD includes some disappointment, and the best thing parents, friends, et cetera can do is be helpful listeners to us as we try and sort out a visual-spatial world.  More on this later.

P.S.

I spent several hours on my math homework, but am almost done with it now.  Then I went home, walked my dog while it was still warm, sent in my complaint letter to my former department (see below), and then did some cooking.  One thing I like about NLD is it gives me more appreciation for time alone than I would probably have otherwise.  I think this results in better independence skills and more patience, perhaps also better concentration and reading skills.